God I miss the seasons with you. Such joy comes from the memories we made but so much pain comes from it knowing that that chapter is closed. I remember summer nights in front of the AC and vegging out on the patio in the yard. In the summer it was always so beautiful. Fewer clothes always meant more fun. Right? The fall is where I loved where love found me and pulled me back. Spring broke my heart. I remember those cold nights driving home in such a rush because it was freezing in my car. The heat would start working as soon as I turned on to my block. “Fucking figures,” I’d say. I never wanted to leave that couch. Wow the memories of the couch. I’d like to think I’m the only “memory maker” but as time passes I doubt it more and more. I used to drive around your town feeling like I belonged. The music and scents still take me back. The baseball field as I pass it makes me wish it was years ago. Getting there always took to long. I would sit at the red light banging on the steering wheel saying, “Come on change already. I’m freakin’ late again. I just want to get there. He’s going to get mad I’m late! Damn it hurry up!” Then driving home always made me so sad and worried. Did you really go to bed when you told me you did. I used to believe it but now that I know you lied to someone else what makes you think I should believe you never lied to me. Least you called to make sure I got home alright and told me you loved me. Oh how I loved you so much back then. Silly but every now and then I swore I’d hear a background sound I couldn’t place. Maybe I was just being paranoid and insecure or maybe just maybe I was a fool. But you never lied to me. You never hide your cell and deleted the messages you got from anyone. You never did a lot of things. No you never lied. Never. But hey I was young and loved you so to me you never did. Till later that is. Know I miss you and I did know the truth just didn’t want to see it.

Love,

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Dear,

You are never going to be my friend again and it makes me so sad. It never was that I wanted you to be more. You were there for me. You made my fall easier. You kept me around when I fell. It was such a short time. You made kick myself in the ass and I needed that so much. You took the bitterness away. Life isn’t sweet but at least it doesn’t taste that bad anymore. Big hugs saved me. I miss them. You found joy and I am so sincerely happy for you almost jealous. I saw you the other day. You hadn’t changed one bit still warmth in your eyes and laugh in your mouth. It made me smile to see you where you were. Memories of you will always be in my heart even though we will never be friends again.

Love,

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Dear,

That mix of cologne and smoke always take me back to that summer. Even on the bitterest cold winter that combination still makes me feel like it was 100 degrees outside. On so many levels I respect you and have so much love for the positive you try to put in me. You are so motivated and it inspires me to want more. To you I was always pretty. That meant the world to me. Even years later a call from you makes me smile. I wish I could do more for you. I just don’t have the drive. You have that fault I find in all of them and it my fault too. I made it to easy. You forgive me for my stubbornness and then get back to business.

Love,

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Dear,

Thank you for remembering me even if it was in a really fucked up way. You killed me the summer though. I was naïve to think that I wasn’t a toy and that that house wasn’t cracked. The dark shaded figure still makes me nauseous and scared when I remember him. It was my fault. I knew better and let you get away with it. I was trying to ease pain the wrong way. But I did my bidding its over. But now I’m back and you’ve changed or at least tried but I’m still not it. You have too many short comings. You are not enough for me. I can’t do this for you. Too much drinking, too many expectations, and not enough feelings are there. They never will be. I am too good for you. Too good.

Love,

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Dear,

You weren’t my best choice but you tried so hard to be. We both knew it wasn’t meant to be. You couldn’t see past my paleness and you were just too basic for me. I made you love me and in the end it was stupid. I wanted it so much even tried with the girls to get to your heart. They still remember and ask about me? Is my picture still there on your mirror, the one where you love my lips? I know the wrong one is still up. I don’t make you smile anymore do I? You let me go and for the first time it didn’t hurt. I still have the sweatshirt that keeps me warm in February. I look for you to speed by. I saw you but you never saw me. Never will I’ve changed. I’m not searching any more. Car trouble still makes me smile and coffee on Thursdays bring you back. I still laugh at the crazy eyed drunken language. Speeding down 1 & 9 I shiver. It hits like a rock on the windshield the thought that I was once in that fast lane.

Love,

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Dear,

You’re an asshole, ha. You really sent me that picture and blocked you number. You had the balls to make me feel bad. What was it 7 months and you still staked claim. Prick, you tried to use that for what to guilt me? Every word I said was true and I put “Everything” in that frame. I loved you or I did. I do I mean I always will. But I guess I fell out of it. You really suck. Damn this pain. He didn’t care you know. Not in the slightest. I know your island girl would have minded. Did she know about my midnight appearance? I was the debutant of that couch remember. I hated you for so long. She got you to do what I never could. And now without me you’re the man I wanted but now cant stand.

Love,

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Dear,

You really hurt my feelings. I didn't understand why all of a sudden you turned cold. It was that bad hu? I actually cried. What the hell was that all about? What's the deal kiddo? No, I'm just kidding but it was kind of weird. I remember you every time I hear that sad song in my ear and drink water. Thanks for that by the way. Black on black keeps playing back in my head and a charm of a saint. I saw something but I was wrong right? Of course I'm always wrong that's the way it is. Maybe one day I will understand what the hell the deal was. Doubtful though because I insisted the rule of three. I'm smart that way it is stupid but it saves me or at least I thought it did. Can't believe I actually got caught in that.

Love,

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Dear,

You really are an asshole though. Don’t try to talk to me. Don’t try to have words. What was it a bet or something. Where you bored. I don’t know what the hell I did for you to do that shit to me. Fool me once fool on me. Fool me twice, FUCK YOU. That’s all I have to say to you.

No love,

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Dear,

I take it back all that I said. Maybe the third time really is the charm.

A little love,